April 8, 2009
Volume Three
Issue Four

Cradled in tenderness this past month, I vacillated between cocooning in to nurture and protect my soul and reaching out for support and advice.

Two simultaneous “events” thrust me into feeling fragile.  The first was claiming my life “calling” as a coach and writer in a bigger way.  I extended beyond my comfort zone to pitch my work to major media outlets.  When I first shared going “bigger” with my work, some people challenged my worthiness to be more visible or to produce an income based on my gifts.  I soon became more discerning about sharing my dreams, coddling them as one would a newborn baby amidst a crowd of strangers.

The other was the sudden layoff from my part-time marketing position that financially supported me and my children this past year.  I had briefly placed the growth of my coaching practice on hold to gain greater clarity about its long-term direction.  Spiritually a gift, the layoff returned my focus back to my writing passion—and to expanding my own business instead of someone else’s.  It is also helped me empathize more fully with clients confronting sudden job loss, and gave me time to bond more closely with my daughter, making frequent runs to the gym together. 

Nonetheless, pain ran parallel to the gains. Old abandonment issues popped up again, when in stepping out and asking for help, I was declined by everyone I spoke with--from business acquaintances to the father of my children. Even my mortgage lender refused to let me defer a payment for even one month because, having never been delinquent, my credit was "too good." As a consumer who has been consistently financially responsible, it was incredulous to me to hear the bank's response after watching for months some of our less responsible major corporations getting government bailouts.

Standing “alone” in this challenge, I had to repeatedly tell myself I am provided for, and become much more discerning about what feels supportive to me.

In truthfulness and calm, I had to tell my two children, one of whom is applying for college next year, that their mother is temporarily without a steady income.  Not having any extended family members who would come through in a crisis, or a husband to back me up temporarily, I had no “safety” nets.  I realized for the first time that this ledge I was on would require the deepest faith of my life.

The last time I felt so isolated was the day I buried my mother, and returned alone to an empty house (my children were with their father for the weekend), orphaned--knowing I was on my own to create a new story beyond my family of origin. 

Yet, all transformations, even when supported by communities or roomfuls of people, are solo journeys.  No one else can take the risks we are sometimes prompted to initiate to bring forth the new expression of ourselves demanded when life circumstances change.

Recalling the inauguration of our new president, I was moved by the anchorman’s profound words as Barack Obama walked solemnly to the podium before being sworn into office.  “This has to be the loneliest moment in a man’s life,” the journalist remarked.   Despite the millions of people surrounding him, Obama took office “alone.”  It was his oath of the presidency to live to up to, his response to a calling.

The newly single adult who chooses to date again or the CEO who exits corporate life to become an entrepreneur, for example, often must walk those first and many other steps of their new beginnings alone, calling forth courage and faith as companions.    

“This way of being on a ledge is magnificent, incredible for you,” remarked my good friend and coaching colleague, Lyndra Hearn Antonson.  “I don’t want to minimize how it feels, but you are someone going for the gusto and God knows it.  You are committed to living big and God is taking you seriously.  Just because you get afraid, doesn’t mean God isn’t supporting you.  If it were easy, you wouldn’t have to trust.” 

Umm.  Trust.  I think of how many times moving through adversity I’ve acquired new levels of trust and the resulting inner strength that comes from overcoming challenge.

Sometimes that strength gave me great respect, but not nurturing care.  Instead, I often gave to others much of the comfort I wanted for myself.  Isn’t that what Oprah has been teaching the world with her weight struggles?  That in the process of empowering or enlightening the world, she forgot to schedule in time for her own self-care.  She became last on the list.

My layoff plucked me right back to the top of my list.  Daily walks, yoga and nightly baths centered me, along with the quiet of grace which became my source of sustenance.  Creation comes from calm and relaxation, not panic.  No matter what I was to “do” next to supplement my income, I first had to regroup in peace, not worry.  That doesn’t mean tears haven’t come, lying alone at night, sitting still, or while chatting with an insightful, compassionate friend.

But comfort comes, too, sometimes in magical, unplanned ways.  My first week without income, Murphy’s Law arose.  My oil burner broke down and there was no heat.  The serviceman who came not only fixed the problem, but he repaired some broken windows in my basement without asking.  I learned later that day over coffee that he had a daughter, the same age and a straight A-student like mine.  Only his daughter was deaf.  I counted my blessings that my daughter hasn’t had those same challenges, and appreciated his sharing stories of fatherly pride.  His generosity of time and care replenished me.

Later, during a car repair, the auto body shop owner offered to wax my vehicle free-of-charge in exchange for an earlier kindness of my sharing a marketing list with him. “I live by the rule that one good turn deserves another,” he said, reminding me of how joyful reciprocity feels, particularly when we’re feeling raw even though others don’t know of our setbacks.

I continue daily to learn to expand trust beyond a belief in myself to a trust in a higher power and in others’ genuine care and love.

While I know as a coach how to reframe “cliffs” to “bridges,” I am also human. The feelings of anger, hurt and fear that come with loss are normal, and someone listening as I express them is soothing sometimes.  Logical, left-brained thinking about strategizing next steps is helpful in moving forward, but when in the midst of sudden change an understanding shoulder to lean on is appreciated, too. 

Sometimes, I need to just listen and be with myself, witnessing my own growth through the unplanned extra space in my life.  Always a go-getter, I am now waiting to see what comes to me.  I pause longer to see what feels loving and what feels harsh, what feels enlivening and what feels draining.  I’m observing people in a new way, especially my children, whose joyful hearts are now touching me more deeply than they know.  I’m grateful we made it this far--as a loving, respectful threesome--through so many challenges.  And I pray that they witness, too, the ease and abundance that follows the many risks I’ve taken in putting myself out there in new and expansive ways.

Trusting in the humanness of vulnerability,

Gail

P.S.—Moments after I completed the above article, I was accepted as a columnist for The Tri-Town Transcript writing a new bi-weekly series I created called, “TRANSITIONS: The gifts of change.” My first column, guiding readers through the recession by understanding the three stages of transitions, ran last week. It represents a first step forward to my larger dream of becoming a national columnist. If you would like to read it, please click here for a printable PDF version.

“If you are not sober about the scale of the challenge, then you are not paying attention. But if you are not an optimist, you have no chance of generating the kind of mass movement needed to achieve the needed scale.” –Thomas Friedman, author of “Hot, Flat and Crowded”

Margi Smith is president of Freelance Media Services, a unique boutique-type business she founded 22 years ago to provide highly personalized and customized media planning services to a diversity of companies and organizations, large and small.

Her loving, generous spirit and entrepreneurial enthusiasm—particularly when it comes to supporting open-minded, creative, positive and smart people—engage others quickly. Quite simply, she cares—passionately. She listens “holistically” to help bring not just a product or service to the world via thoughtful media placement, but supports her clients in manifesting their dreams. She “partners” with them from day one around their vision for success.

A wise businesswoman with a pulse on the market, Margi foresaw the economic challenges of the economy long before the recession hit full force.  Wanting to be fully prepared in the event her business should waver with the economy, last fall she took a proactive step and joined my workshop, “WHAT’S NEXT:  Finding Your Calling, Purpose or Passion.”

Initially thinking she may need to shift career directions, Margi learned instead how much she truly loves what she is doing, and how she does it.  “I bring together the media planner, the vendor and the client to create an energized circle of information flow,” Margi explained in differentiating herself from large-scale agencies that often have different departments for each step of media planning.  “With me, clients are fully heard by all parties involved in the delivery of their messages, and I alone can place their complete requirements from radio, print, online, new media and direct mail without their needing to go to several different people.  The key is to connect on a personal basis.  A lot of large agencies don’t have the time or interest to meet personally with clients.  I love that part, the human interaction.”

The workshop helped Margi clarify her gifts and talents and align more closely with ideal clients in expanding her offerings to the arts, other cultural organizations and political candidates. (Her current and recent clients include: Christmas Tree Shops, The Hawthorne Hotel, The Peabody Essex Museum, North Shore Music Theatre, Neighborhood Health Plan of Rhode Island, Joslin Diabetes Center, Harvard and Boston Universities’ executive programs, Saugerties Furniture Mart, Jasper Wymans Wild Blueberry Juice and numerous other small business and high technology clients.)

“Being in business for 22 years, and having another five years of large agency experience before that, I have the confidence to experiment with ideas and create on a gut level, too, knowing which media plans will work because I gain a thorough understanding of my clients’ goals, products and targets,” she added.  “My ability to think out of the box is critical in this economy.  I love working with clients who trust me to be a partner with them instead of just a vendor.”

Through the workshop, she also learned to say no to projects that no longer serve her core values.  “You need to have the courage to let go of stuff you don’t like, to say no,” Margi affirmed.  “I’d rather support someone who knows and is optimistic that things will get better, but they’re going to be different, which is a really good thing.”  She also supports her clients by encouraging them that “we’re all in this together” and finding the most cost-effective and efficient ways to deliver their messages.

As a result of her workshop insights, she created new marketing materials that better position her business in alignment with her key goals and values.  She now has a new logo, brochure, website and business cards.

“I also learned to feel comfortable and trust it will be OK, that business goes in cycles,” she remarked.  “The workshop participants represented a safe, committed group of people.  I was happy to hear of all their accomplishments, to feel and see them happen as we went along.  It was such a diverse group.”

Getting paid her worth, learning to tell people she is looking for new business by increasing her networking activities, and balancing her life were other achievements she integrated through the workshop.  For example, instead of working late into the night as an empty-nester while her husband is traveling, she now attends yoga and exercise classes.

“What I learned about myself and my business also transformed my personal life,” she said.  “Take a look at what you have and appreciate and find joy in those things, and let go of what no longer works for you.  What gives me incredible peace is having faith and trust.  By diligently and persistently keeping at what’s important to you, it (whatever you need or desire) will come.  And it might not come in the exact way you expect it, but whatever is out there will find its way to you when you are ready to accept it.”

To ground yourself while challenged by a major life change, you may find comfort in saying these statements to yourself twice daily: once before going to sleep, and once upon awakening.

1. I ALLOW MYSELF TO SIMPLY “BE” FOR A WHILE, SURRENDERING MY EGO TO CREATE THE OPEN SPACE SERVED BY GRACE.
2. I ALLOW MYSELF TO REST.
3. I ALLOW MYSELF TO TRUST IN MY SELF, A HIGHER POWER AND THOSE WHO KNOW HOW TO BE THERE FOR ME.
4. I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE PROVIDED FOR.
5. I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE SUPPORTED.
6. I ALLOW MYSELF TO PRACTICE EXQUISITE SELF-CARE.
   

Coming Next Month:

May’s feature article will be “HONORING MOTHERS:  A Daughter Celebrates Her Mother’s Life Gifts”

To contact Gail

gail.kjones@verizon.net   978- 887-1911

       www.supportmatters.com      View Newsletter Archive